As of late I have found myself devouring every ounce of information I can obtain on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Both from those who have it and have stepped forward to tell their story, to those who are victims of someone with N.P.D. sharing their experience, their findings, and their journey to healing. To be perfectly honest, this is something I have intended to do for a long time but until now I have put it off. I was raised by narcissist’s both with elements of overt and covert alike each one favouring the opposing side. As it seems anyone who has been a victim of gaslighting especially as a child will tell you, your reality is manipulated to suit the purpose of your abusers. After a lifetime of being told I’m “sensitive” “dramatic” or that things did not happen as I remember, that I am “ungrateful” and “selfish”. My sense of self worth severely damaged by being constantly diminished or invalidated by those who were supposed to love me most.
My self worth doesn’t even seem to be my greatest loss in it all, my sense of self or self identity suffers to most to this day. I was encouraged to pursue my parents interests and no others. Achievements that fell in any other areas were ultimately disregarded and/or diminished. The narcissists in my life were/are lesser to midrange narcissists, not the full on psycho or socio paths who are fully aware of what they are doing. They have no accountability for their actions even with in their own minds, and so anything viewed as an attack for their own perceived reality was met with anger, or other forms of punishment like silence, distance, or passive aggression.
One video I watched suggested that 90% of the depression an adult child of narcissistic parent(s) is caused by repressed anger. In hearing these words it was like a switch went off in my brain, and my anger has begun to unearth from its shallow grave. So my anger it’s not so repressed anymore or at least not all of it, I have little doubt there is more yet to surface as with buried emotions sometimes it’s a gush and sometimes it’s a trickle. As it surfaces I’m left with this conundrum, I have been struggling my whole adult life with issues imprinted on me by the narcissists in my life. What should be the most satisfying one might think is to confront my abusers, make them face their crimes against me, in some foolish hope of an apology and some sense of closure. These are things a narcissist will never give you. They have zero accountability, their lack of empathy and inflated self worth makes it seemingly impossible to understand or care how you may feel. Worse still like an emotional vampire they will feed off your emotional reactions to them good or bad. Any source of information I’ve encountered has advised against confrontation of a narcissist, and a life time of experience in the rebel and black sheep role has me inclined to agree.
In finally being willing to come to terms with being a victim it has opened new levels of self awareness, I now understand so much better why I feel the way I do and the way I did regarding the parts of this I have already managed to deal with. In delving deeper into what Narcissism is and the great variance among the broad term, learning what tools are in their chest, what sort of people they prey upon, and largely the victims who have spoken up and what they have felt and their childhood experiences, all the sudden I see the connections between so much that is me.
Back to why I am angry, I’ve been manipulated, slowly and methodically taught to hate myself, so well versed In manipulation that to any outsider looking in my life must be idillic, branded a liar, a drama queen, and over sensitive, no one but me, not even my parents could see that this was abuse, planting seeds of self doubt in my mind, it must be me, I am sensitive. My emotions never validated, often denied the very expression of any, belittled caused a sissy. Only now years later do I understand it’s not my fault, the feelings of inadequacy I feel no more then projections of my own narcissistic parents subconscious emotions, every thing they could not face in themselves projected onto me. Beyond being angry at all that was done to me, and the after effects I am still working on, is the anger of knowing no matter the reason or understanding offered, no matter the approach taken, they will never take accountability for their actions, our relationships will never transform into healthy ones, that even though they are wrong and have always been wrong if there is any hope to heal it is myself I must change.
Every mental health issue I have, for every negative emotion that plagued me I have learned are directly symptomatic of narcissistic abuse. The feelings of isolation, loneliness, being misunderstood, and difficulty trusting others, are not only all related to narcissistic abuse, they are specifically related to those with narcissistic parents who have been branded by said parents as the black sheep or scapegoat. Furthermore the child branded in this way is commonly second born, which I am. The more I learn the more I am shocked at the parallels so many people from different countries, races, backgrounds, have stories that resonate so strongly with in me. Their experiences and memories and feelings mirroring my own. I have learned something powerful, though I feel alone I am not alone.
For someone who has never been through it it’s a difficult thing to explain, when asked what they said it can be difficult to come up with anything all that bad, because often the don’t say anything that sounds all that bad. Such is the danger of gaslighting, the do not tell you outright that you are bad, they use subtle manipulation, and plausible deniability, to lead you to find that conclusion on your own. When you try to call them out on it they make you seem like the crazy one “I was just joking, you have no sense of humour.” “Your being a drama queen” “your sensitive or thin skinned.” “You need to buck up.” Phrases like these and many more are the calling cards of a gas lighter.
If your reading this and you want to learn more about Narcissism and it’s favoured victims empaths, firstly stay tuned because this is not the last I will speak of it, but secondly there is a source I have found fascinating, informative, and offers a perspective I would never have expect to be shared. That of an Elite Narcissist as he self identifies, or psychologically termed a psychopathic narcissist. A wolf In wolfs clothing, he offers full transparency on everything but his true identity. The name he goes by is H.G. Tudor, he has a Facebook page entitled “Knowing the Narcissist.” Has dozens of fascinating videos and interviews posted on Facebook, as well he has published several books I am quite intent on buying. I highly recommend checking him out.